I have been a secret anxiety sufferer since I was a teenager. I can tell you exactly where I was when I had my first anxiety attack. What is was caused by and how it still haunts me.
My Grandparents lived about 15 minutes from our home. I was a teenager and I was spending the night at their house for some reason. I didn't drive but I had lots of friends that did. I remember laying on the couch watching tv and getting a call on my old school flip cell phone. I had a pager too, I was that cool. {Not really} My friends said they were going to hang out at someones house and that they would pick me up from my Grandparents house at a certain time. I was excited. I was laying on the couch watching tv waiting for them to arrive. And waiting. And waiting. My chest starting tightening. My jaw started hurting and my back began throbbing. Where were they? Had they forgotten about me? Did I not give them the correct directions? I waited and waited until they called and said change of plans, they weren't coming. I couldn't breathe. I felt rejected. Not good enough. The pain I was feeling was something I had never experienced before and I couldn't tell anyone about it.
Eventually the pain went away and I went to bed. Then it happened on another occasion. And then another. This went on for years and years. I never told anyone because I didn't know why it was happening.
I finally told my husband one night after I had one of the worst attacks ever. He couldn't believe that I had never said anything before. I was scared to tell anyone. He understood and for the longest time he was the only one who knew. He could tell when something was wrong and he helped me through it.
It didn't get any better. In fact, I had shingles twice. From stress {new job for him and Autism diagnosis for our son}. Then I would have almost constant anxiety attacks because of the shingles. It was like I was on this giant hamster wheel that kept spinning and spinning.
It was when the big move was announced that the anxiety hit an all time high. We were packing up and moving 6 hours from our friends and family and the place we had called home for almost 6 years. Leaving behind "my people" for uncertainty had me in knots. How I didn't get shingles again, I still don't understand.
Shorty after the move the anxiety attacks where happening every day. Sometimes more than once a day. It was so uncomfortable and no matter what I did, nothing was helping. We are healthy eaters (I have a gluten intolerance so we are predominately perimeter of the store shoppers), I use essential oils and while I don't exercise, I love to walk. SO why was this happening? At my husbands encouragement, I made an appointment with the doctor to figure it out.
Well I am glad I did! I failed the anxiety test that they had me take. I told her {an abbreviated version of} my story and she was shocked that I had been dealing with this for so long. She gave me a script and some names of psychologists to look into. Medication wasn't my first choice but I needed something to help get things under control.
I found a psychologist who at first was great. I am a Christian but I do not attend church regularly. When she started reciting Bible verses and had me copy down scripture, I felt like she wasn't helping me in the way that I needed to be helped. I had taken up journaling, was walking more regularly, and using my oils more often. Things slowly began to improve. My mood changed and my husband really started to see a difference.
Things were going great. I was talking about my anxiety and sharing about it with people who had honestly no idea. I started connecting with friends who were in a similar situation. We got through the home building process and I was actually able to cut back on my medication.
I feel like I am in a bit of a regression right now and the anxiety attacks are happening a little bit more frequently. I have gotten away from the things I was doing to manage it before and I know that I need to get back on track to make it stop. Making friends in our new area is proving to be more difficult then I was expecting. Trying to find our routine in our new home has not been easy.
I know anxiety sucks. It's not how I want to live my life. I need to work better at everyday things to control it so that I don't need the medication. I don't want to be on medication for ever. It's not the kind of life I want for myself or my family. I also know that my frequent panic attacks aren't fair to them either.
I have learned to not be afraid to talk about it because the stigma of keeping quiet about it is crap. People out there are going through this everyday and if you can find someone you can relate to that can help you, well then do it! Don't keep it in. It isn't healthy for you. I may not be in the best place with my anxiety right now {it has been much worse so that is a plus} but I am always here to listen.
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